What if...Roger Federer, one of the greatest tennis players of all times, didn’t play for the trophies or the glory, but to fund his wife’s very extravagant lifestyle? I explore this scenario in a (hopefully obvious) parody called Shanghai Surprise.
Scene: The elite players’ locker room at the Rolex Masters tennis tournament in Shanghai, China. Roger Federer has just lost his semi-final match to Borna Coric, a young up-and-comer from Croatia. Roger walks in to find his wife, Mirka, sitting on a couch with her arms folded.
Roger: You look upset.
Mirka: I don’t want to talk about it right now. Just gather your stuff and let’s go home.
Roger: But I just finished. I need to shower and change my clothes and do the press conference.
Mirka: But I already sent for the private jet. It’s literally waiting outside for us. The engines are running. C’mon Roger; time is money and jet fuel is expensive.
Roger: Tell them to turn off the engines and wait for an hour. You and I need to talk.
Mirka: <Sighs> Fine...whatever.
Roger: So, why are you so upset?
Mirka: Because you lost...in a semi-final...to a kid! Granted, a very attractive kid with beautiful bulging quads, but still a kid!
Roger: Borna is not a “kid.” He’s 21, and he’s very talented.
Mirka: Yes, but you’re #1 in the world.
Mirka: Well that’s pretty selfish of you.
Roger: Selfish?! What are you talking about?
Mirka: How are we supposed to pay the bills if you keep turning in these mediocre results?
Roger: Pay the bills? You’re kidding, right?
Mirka: Umm...no; I’m not kidding. We have a lot of major expenses, Roger; our child care bill alone was $8 million last year.
Roger: Eight million?! How is that possible?
Mirka: Well, in case you hadn’t noticed, we have four children under the age of ten.
Roger: Thanks for that update. <rolls his eyes>
Mirka: Each of the children has a dedicated nanny and au pair.
Roger: OK -- that’s eight people on the payroll. We’re not paying each one a million…
Mirka: I’m not done! Since it’s almost impossible to find top-notch child care on short notice, we have a second set of full-time nannies and au pairs who are on call in case someone calls in sick.
Roger: Well, that seems a bit wasteful, but if you think it’s best for the kids…
Mirka: I certainly do!
Roger: I still don’t see how it’s costing us eight million…
Mirka: Stop obsessing over numbers, Roger! Besides, that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
Roger: But darling, we’re pretty well off. I mean, between prize money and endorsements, we’re pulling in nine figures a year.
Mirka: Low nine figures. Barely nine figures. After taxes, it’s eight figures.
Roger: But what else could we possibly need?
Mirka: A castle.
Roger: A castle?
Mirka: Yes, a castle.
Roger: Do you mean a chalet?
Mirka: Don’t get cute with me, Roger! Everyone in Switzerland has a chalet; I want a castle. You know, with suits of armor and a moat and lots and lots of poorly heated rooms that no one uses.
Roger: Why on earth do we need a castle?
Mirka: Oh, I don’t know. I’m just thinking about life after you retire and how it would be really nice to spend summers in our own little Bavarian castle. We could invite friends like Anna Wintour and Gwen Stefani over and dress up like it’s the middle ages and refer to each other as “m’lord” and “m’lady”….c’mon, wouldn’t that be fun?
Roger: Um...maybe...but do we really need a castle just to play dress-up once a year? Couldn’t we do that somewhere else...like a hotel ballroom?
Mirka: No, that would be silly. And very “new money.”
Roger: But we are new money!
Mirka: <Crying> Oh, you just don’t get it, do you?! You’ll never get it! And I’ll never get the nice things I deserve.
Roger: Sweetheart...please don’t cry. You know I hate to see you be sad. I’m gonna get you that castle.
Mirka: You will?
Roger: Yes, I will. Anything for my Mirka.
Mirka: You promise?
Roger: Yes, I promise. Now, how much are they asking?
Mirka: 300.
Roger: 300...thousand?
Mirka: <Pauses> Million.
Roger: Three hundred million?! Please tell me that’s in yen or rubels or some other very cheap currency.
Mirka: It’s Euros. 300 million Euros.
Roger: Are you insane? We don’t have that kind of money! I could play for another twenty years and I…
Mirka: Well, actually, I did a little math, and if you play until you’re 46 and win an average of 2 Majors and 4 Masters tournaments per year AND you take that endorsement deal from Walmart…
Roger: Walmart?! When did we start talking to Walmart? I’m the face of Rolex and Moët, not some shitty American chain store!
Mirka: Roger, they’re offering a lot of money. And if you don’t take the sponsorship deal, you’ll have to play until you’re 52.
Roger: Fifty-two?! That’s fifteen more years! When do I get to relax and spend summers at the castle?
Mirka: Well, not any time soon -- I mean, you certainly can’t miss the grass-court season for at least the next ten years.
Roger: I’m...speechless right now.
Mirka: And I love you too, darling. Now hurry up and get ready; we have a meeting with Kmart in a few hours.
Roger: I thought you said it was Walmart.
Mirka: Did I? <giggles> My mistake!
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